Damage Control: Strategic Conversations With Your Teenager After Watching 13 Reasons Why.
The deepest desire of a teenager is to feel loved and wanted, and to find a place where they feel like they belong. As the adolescent brain develops, this desire no longer looks for that need to be fulfilled within the family unit, but looks outwards towards friendship groups and mentors to get this need met.
The latest Netflix series “13 Reasons Why” demonstrations this desire within teenagers in the strongest and most vivid ways possible. As a parent should you watch this series? Absolutely! Should your teenager? Well, that all depends on what you are willing to expose them too, and what role you play in educating, coaching and counselling your child through the traumatic mental images that will be left in their minds as they negotiate many of the confronting themes this series introduces.
The pre-fontal cortex (the traffic cop) of your brain is where rational decisions are made. The traffic cop plays a major role in helping someone plan, prioritise and make logical rather than emotional or impulsive choices. Unfortunately, the traffic cop is the last part of the brain to develop and research suggests it continues to develop until the mid 20’s. Therefore, teens are more likely than adults to rely on the emotional part of the brain to make decisions (the amygdala). Hence why teens make emotional, impulsive decisions without thinking about the consequences beforehand (yes, there is a reason).
In an adult brain, the pre-frontal cortex is fully developed and connected to the rest of the brain. This helps adults filter and process what it sees in a rational way. The adult brain can come to logical conclusions and respond appropriately when placed in possible situations that may cause harm. An adult brain may look at 13 Reasons Why and think “what a great series to explain to my child the effects that rumours or bullying can have on individuals”. However, the teenage brain is wired differently and may not use the same logical filter to process such content. (A must watch: Frontline series Inside the Teenage Brain)
Even if teens have developed abstract thought, I would still question if such graphic content including rape, suicide, alcohol and drug abuse is the most appropriate exposure for teenagers to understand the implications of such behaviours. However, if your teenager has already viewed the series or if you and your teenager agree the content of this show is appropriate for them, then please do not be a silent parent during and after they have viewed it.
Adolescence is the time your child is discovering their identity and forming their own sense of morality. Shying away from conversations will result in your teens thinking being determined by what their friends think or what they read on social media about such topics. Remembering our teens process things much more emotionally and make decisions impulsively, vulnerable teens may identify with characters on the show and feel encouraged to involve themselves in behaviours displayed by that character to feel accepted or important. Vulnerable teens may even intentionally act to embarrass, hurt or ruin another individual’s reputation who may have previously done so to them. This show certainly reveals many ways in which harm can be done to one another.
The aim of any conversation with your teenager is to understand their point of view and highlight areas where support is required as they negotiate the challenges of making healthy choices throughout the teenage years. Do not judge, lecture, interrogate or embarrass your teen, otherwise the conversation will be short lived. Remember, you are after a connection with your teen rather than trying to control your teen. Your teenager needs to feel like their opinion is valid, even if different to yours.
Below are some ideas on the conversations you can have with your teens. These thoughts are not intended to be a tick off the list question / answer style conversation, listening rather than asking questions is most important. They are thoughts on introducing the topics to your teenagers, make the conversations casual. I would probably start with something simple such as “wow, the language on this show is pretty full on hey, is this the type of swearing you hear at your school too?”
Consent
Engaging in healthy conversations with your teenagers about sexual consent and permission to share and upload photos or other media is a must.
Why is this important: In the series, your teen was exposed to and witnessed two counts of rape, many sexual encounters and unwanted touching behaviours. Photos without consent were passed around the school with damaging emotional consequences. These themes were reoccurring, the mental images of such behaviours reinforced repeatedly, leaving an imprint in your teenagers’ brain. For some teens (and adults), this could be a trigger for post-traumatic stress, particularly for those who have been abused or attracted unwanted sexual advances. For others, viewing such sexual encounters could increase their own risky behaviours. Developmentally, for younger teens if they have not reached puberty, or had discussions with their parents about sexual relationships, rape, masturbation and physical touch, such images and content can cause great confusion.
Therefore, find out what your teenagers already know about consent. Ask your teen if they know the age for sexual consent in their country? Why do they think there is an age limit to sexual consent? Do they know the legal ramifications of entering into a sexual relationship under the age of consent? What if someone is intoxicated, does this change how consent should be viewed? What would your teen do if they are in a situation where they have said no, but someone is pressuring them to have a sexual relationship? especially if that person is someone they love. Did they witness anyone in the show asking for consent? Give them some tips on the types of questions and language they should be using when asking for someone’s consent.
Additionally, the seriousness of rape and the emotional consequences cannot be ignored after witnessing two counts on the show. Any talk about sexual experiences with your teens will be uncomfortable, for both of you. There are many ways you can introduce this topic, staring with unwanted touch which was displayed many times in the series, moving on to the consent, the feelings of shame and fear one experiences after such traumatic experience. Further, ask them if they think the characters should have spoken up when they knew the girls had been raped? Would they withhold information if they knew someone is in harms way or if a friend asked them not to share?
Knowing what your teen is exposed to on social media and how are they using their devices is a subject that cannot be ignored. Conversations about the damage caused to the characters’ reputation in the series through various sharing of media can open a discussion with your teen. Find out if your teen thinks it is important to get permission from friends before uploading photos or videos to social media? How do they feel if their photos have been uploaded online without permission? Do they ask their friends if they can upload photos online or send to others? How would they respond if they received a photo that could cause damage to someone’s reputation, including their own? Do they think it could be fun and harmless to share it? Would they delete it? How far would they go to protect one of their friends if they have noticed rumours being spread on social media about them?
Additionally, discuss any legal ramifications about the use of social media and find out if they know what the school’s policy is for the use of social media to cause harm in and out of school?
Parties, Alcohol and Drug Abuse
Engaging in healthy conversations with your teenager about alcohol and drug use is paramount. The reality is, your teenager will be exposed to alcohol consumption without watching this series! Teenagers will experiment with alcohol because it is often readily available in their day to day lives.
Why is this important: Considering everyone in this series was underage, alcohol and drug abuse in this show was extreme, for younger teens this maybe quite confronting revealing inaccurate expectations regarding fitting into certain friendship groups as they enter the later stages of adolescents. The series shows the peer pressure to be involved in drinking games, putting alcohol in school drink bottles, hiding alcohol under their bed, accessing their parent’s alcohol cabinets and using alcohol to escape from reality.
Therefore, provide clear guidelines to your teenagers about your expectations and your values around alcohol and drug use. Model a healthy relationship with alcohol. Empower your teen to make healthy choices about their alcohol consumption. Ask your teen to identify what behaviour changes they saw in the film as the teens became more intoxicated? Did they appear more confident? Did they look like they were having fun? What were some of dangers of extreme intoxication? What were some of the safety concerns that the show reveals when going to a party? What did they notice about those characters who were not drinking at those parties? And, how do they think people can protect themselves in situations such as those that were presented in the show? Does your teen feel confident to protect themselves or others at parties who may have had too much to drink?
In relation to parties - warning bells! When your teenager suggests they have too much homework to go to a party, or gives another reason, they are asking for a boundary to be put in place by you. This was seen clearly when Hannah asked her parents about going to a party, not only did Hannah’s body language show she didn’t want to go, her automatic response included “I have so much homework due on Monday”. A healthy response to your teen is simply stating “it sounds like you are little concerned about heading out to that party tonight, would that be right?” Always give your teenager a way out. Tell them no matter what age they are you will always play the bad cop so they can tell their friends they are not allowed to go.
Your teenager may not recognise some of the risks involved when there is no adult supervision at parties. Ask your teenager what age they believe is an appropriate age to go to parties which are not supervised. What does you think?
Romantic Relationships and Intimacy
Engaging in healthy conversations about intimacy and romantic love is vital.
Why is this important: The series displays many forms of relationships and attraction, there are a few characters openly in gay relationships, another struggling with her own sexual identity and the characters placed high priority on the desire to be loved by another person. The excitement of new relationships, the heat ache of relationship break up, the feelings of betrayal and hiding ones’ sexuality is displayed.
When hormones take over, the teenager’s sexual desires and feelings can be overwhelming. Add that to having an untrained traffic cop in their brain then the experience of falling in love and breaking up can be disastrous. Many parents may shrug off early teen relationships, however, romantic relationships have a significant impact on your teenager’s mental health, daily functioning and the development of future healthy relationships.
Therefore, encouraging appropriate conversations with your teens about hormones, dating and forming intimate relationships needs to addressed. Use the relationships in the series to introduce the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Discuss with your teen some of the warning signs and body language displayed in the show that showed a lack of respect in the dating relationship. Ask them for some examples of what a respectful dating relationship looks like. The series did not address safe sexual practices, birth control, or sexually transmitted diseases – this is dangerous, it showed teenagers engaging in irresponsible sexual behaviours, the untrained traffic cop may not think about such safe practices. So, over time your teenager need to be given significant information about such topics.
Once again, it is incredibly important that your relationship role models the type of respect that you hope your teen will display in a healthy relationship. What type of role models did these teenagers have? How did your teenager view Justin’s family life? How was his mother treated? How was he treated by her boyfriends? How did this impact some of his behaviours in the show?
Friendships
Teenagers long to feel part of a social group. They can find acceptance, encouragement and support. However, their self-worth and identity can be extremely damaged when they are left out, shamed by the group or through relationships break up.
Why is this important: The series reveals a constant struggle with friendship groups, loneliness, shame, break ups, bullying and the real desire teens have to fit in. From isolation in the cafeteria, to friends not turning up for catch ups or dates and not answering text messages. The by stander effect and “what’s yours is mine” (which the series calls bro code) reveals the true difficultly for teenagers to make decisions in the moment and speak up to and against their friends.
Talk to your teens about the “bro code” and the impact this had on the teenagers in the show. Find out more about your teens current social groups, using some of the characters in the show as examples. You can ask your teenager who they identify most with in the series? Ask them if they can identify any of their friends in the characters in the series. Did they notice any bullying?
Get to know the parents of your teenager’s friends. From an early age, have the conversation with those parents about boundaries you have set for your child including social media, games they can play and the movies / YouTube channels they are and are not allowed to watch. Do not allow your teen to set the boundaries, they won’t, you need to. As your teen gets older you will need to have further discussions about supervision and I encourage you to be that parent that rings to find out if your child is staying at their friends’ house for the night. If you find that your child is attracted to hanging out with someone whose parents has more relaxed boundaries than you, you will need to have a discussion with your teenager about this and possibly come up with some solutions with your teenager who will not want to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Suicide
Engaging in conversations about self-harm and suicide is one of the most difficult conversations to have with a teenager. Teenagers find it hard to find the right words to communicate what’s on their mind, they may not be able to talk about the above content or even know the answers to such hard topics. Especially because their brain is not developed to think though these topics logically.
Why is this important: This whole series is based on 13 reasons why Hannah committed suicide. Hannah’s suicide was graphic, as a parent it was incredibly painful to watch and could certainly cause nightmares for your teenager. For the vulnerable teenager, it certainly provides a how to example. The content of the tapes also resulted in another teen trying to commit suicide. The final tape reveals how difficult it was for Hannah to speak to the counsellor about what happened to her, especially the rape. She couldn’t openly talk to her friends, she thought she didn’t have any and she thought she was a disappointment to her parents. She felt alone.
Therefore, find out your teenagers view on the suicide scene. If your teenager knows anyone who has committed suicide before, this will be an extremely painful topic for them to discuss. For teenagers who have not been exposed to suicide before they may disregard the scene, they may think it was all about Hannah trying to get attention, or they may think her friends could have stopped it and go on a mission to make sure all their friends are doing ok. Every teen will respond differently. Make sure your teenager doesn’t feel like what they say is wrong, however, if they say they feel “nothing” about the scene, you need to explore this word further.
Supporting your teenager to find people they can share the hurt, pain or shame they are experiencing even if they cannot verbalise it in a logical way is vital. Letting them know that any situation they find themselves in that is difficult that is never too hard to overcome. Provide your teenager with a list of names they can go to who are trusted mentors if they do not want to speak to you as their parents.
13 Reasons Why does a great job of showing the pain that never ends for parents or for friends after a suicide. However, it also shows a group of teenagers who spend considerable amount of time protecting their own reputation and worried about their own future until they realise they are about to be found out. Ask your teens what they thought the way the characters in the show tried cover up their roles on the tapes and what were the consequences for their own mental health.
As a parent, be available and be consistent. Your teenager still needs to know they matter to you, let them know that your family and your world is a better place because they are in it. Provide them often with a list of qualities that you love about them to encourage them as they are seeking identity and asking the deep question of “who am I?" and "where do I fit in this world?”. Encourage their strengths, have future orientated discussions with your teenagers and have a lot of fun. Make growing up in your household a fun, loving, caring environment for your teenager.
The message you want to send to your teenager is "I care enough about you to have these conversations with you."
